


The love boat

by ephelid



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Absurd humor, Food mention, M/M, What is logic, light humor, mostly sfw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-07-22 08:23:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7427413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephelid/pseuds/ephelid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of ficlets about the Phantom Troupe and Hisoka, and their improbable adventures on the Black Whale, sailing to death, despair, friendship and love !</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. like a schwing in the night

**Author's Note:**

> Can Hisoka have a nice date with Chrollo for once ? Spoiler : no.
> 
> Short fic for Hunter x Prompt : “Wait, did you just say you didn’t know we were dating? What do you think we were doing this entire time!"

“C’mon, open your mouth. Haaaaaaaa….” says Hisoka waving the fork. A drop of sauce falled out on the immaculate tablecloth.

Chrollo chases away the food with the back of their hand.

“Stop this.” they say, clearing their throat. “You’re embarrassing.”

“You don’t like chicken ?” asks Hisoka, chewing with good appetite. “You’re wrong. You can’t only feed with sweets.”

“You bet ?” answers Chrollo, trying to hold back their coughing. “I can’t appreciate any food in these circumstances, anyway.”

“What are you saying ?”

“I say - _*cough cough*_ \- I can’t eat !”

“What ? I can’t hear you !”

Chrollo takes a deep breath, inhales a puff of smoke and coughs until tears fills up their eyes. It’s unnecessary to try to be heard anyway. Screams, cries of distress, calls for help are deafening. The Princes have already left the floor at the beginning of the fire, but the employees and poor hunters are still caught in the restaurant room where Hisoka gave a rendez-vous to Chrollo.

They came because they thought he would inform them. They were looking for the Troupe members. They all are missing and they wish they gathered them all in the same place before the ship definitely sank.

But the clown doesn’t look like he cares about being roasted alive or drowning. He’s looking at them with a charmed - and kinda stupid - smile and is not about to tell them anything but mushiness. Chrollo picks up a drop of whipped cream of their strawberries, licks it thoughtfully, tries to ignore the face Hisoka is making and stands up suddenly.

“What happens?” asks Hisoka, looking worried for the first time since the sinking started.

“I gonna look for them myself.”

“You’re leaving already ? But I put so much effort in our date ! I dressed up, I commanded you a sweets-only meal, I lighted the tallow candles, I locked up the Troupe in the hold, I…

“You _what_ ?” says chrollo, narrowing their eyes.

“They always bother us ! You always complain I’m not romantic enough, so I watched romantic movies, I scuttled the ship, and I…”

“You _*cough cough*_ are responsible for this _too?_ ”

“That’s was happening in the movie !”

And while the ceiling was collapsing, a rush of fire consuming the floor, Chrollo’s aura deploying out of anger, Hisoka decides it’s not the right time to admit the fire started because he can’t light up candles properly.

**********

The water is icy cold. A thin crescent moon barely clears the ink dark night. Machi looks up at the stars. The smoke still masks the sky, but in a couple of minutes, she will be able to get her bearings.

“On your opinion Feitan, how far are we from the Dark Continent?”

A lapping approaches her.

“Can’t tell” he says. “Maybe 2000km.”

“2000km swimming?” comments Shizuku. “It will feel so long.’

“You have a better idea?” grumbled Phinks. “We don’t even know where we are. We can’t see shit.”

A soft light suddenly catches their eyes. Chrollo is coming up to them, smoothly moving over the water, cross legged sat on a narrow craft.

“Ho, look” says Phinks. “Danchou built a raft.”

“It’s not a raft”, says Machi narrowing her eyes.”It’s Hisoka.”

It is. Hisoka is floating on his back, supporting Chrollo’s weight, and seems to move by himself, making some “pot pot pot” noises, turning left and right guided by Chrollo’s hand grabbing his…

“Rudder” says Machi.

“Yeah rudder. Definitely a rudder.”

“But why is it glowing?”

“Shut up Shizuku” cut the entire Troupe in unison.

They swim to the light. Chrollo quickly counts them, and when they sees nobody is missing, tilts the definitely rudder in an acute angle and Hisoka effortlessly makes a 180° turn and moves forward.

Chrollo looks down to Hisoka’s delighted face, oddly lightened.

“I hope you have an idea to clean up all the mess you created.”

“The mess? Look how cute we are. Mommy and Daddy Duck taking around their nine little ducklings. Admit it’s a very romantic date.”

“I didn’t know we were dating.”

“What do you think we were doing this entire time?”

Chrollo rolls up their eyes, and leans the nothing-but-a-rudder forward. Hisoka, without moving a muscle, accelerates, guiding a Troupe swearing and cursing and giving him names, their scourge, their savior, their schwing in the night.

* * *

Epilog : Finally they found out that if they wrap each other in Bonolenov bandages and order to Blinky to suck the water very quickly, they were dragged just like they were water skiing, and if they ask it after to spit it out, they were pushed even faster. They reached the Dark Continent within 24h. They just stopped in an island because of Feitan who due to a childhood trauma can’t pee in the water, and they abandoned Hisoka there. He showed up a couple of days after nonetheless, saying he guided his rudder himself, even if, as he will comment later, “it doesn’t feel the same.”


	2. apocalypse meow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you wear the hoodie... or does the hoodie wear you ?

The Black Whale dining room was always more quiet in the morning. And Feitan was the most quiet of all. He wasn't a morning person. Or an any-time person. Actually, with his scarf rolled up to his eyes, he hardly looked like a person at all, but he seemed to be even more sullen than usual.

"Something wrong, my Fei ?" asked Chrollo kindly, chewing their cereals.

Neither a look or a sound rewarded them. Feitan was fumbling through his pancakes with the tip of his knife.

"Not hungry ? You don't want pancakes ? You want my yoghurt instead ?" insisted Chrollo, pushing the pot to him. "It's vanilla."

Vanilla yoghurts were Chrollo's favorites, and they hoped this selfless act of pure love would cheer him up. It at least was good enough to induce a reaction : "I can't, I'm lactose intolerant" mumbled Feitan sipping his milk.

Chrollo glanced at their watch. Nope, it wasn't Feitan's periods day yet. Which could mean only one thing : he was in a huff with them.

They sighed. Their friend wasn't a communication master. Knowing him, they would need three weeks of this treatment before they hear they stepped on his foot or something.

They attempted another approach : "The captain invites us to his table tonight. I wonder what I will wear" they pretended. "Can you come and chose my clothes with me ? You have such a good fashion sense." Where gluttony failed, flattery may succeed.

Feitan chewed on a pancake. Drank milk again. Spread jam on a slice of bread. Ate the slice of bread. Peeled an orange. Ate the orange. "K" he dropped after ten minutes. Chrollo would have wept in relief.

They went to Chrollo's cabin and they spreaded all their clothes on their bed. Although he may deny it, Feitan was a true fashion-victim and would be in a better mood after he’d deck them out.

But Feitan didn't even get a look at the bed. He was going through Chrollo's wardrobe. "You put this on" he said finally, holding his find.

It was a shapeless mass of black fabric Chrollo had never seen in their life. They took it. It was a cat-ears hoodie, with little pads at the end of the sleeves. "But Fei..."

Only his eyebrows were to be seen over his scarf, but they frowned visibly. "What. You no longer trust my fashion sense ?"

Chrollo grinned a smile. "Of course I do. But what will I wear on bellow ?"

"You put this on."

"What ? I won't go around bare-ass in a hoodie at the captain's table !"

"You put. This. On."insisted Feitan, and Chrollo could guess amused tones in his voice. It was all that mattered. If it could please him...

Chrollo fully undressed and put the sweater on. 

"Wear the hood" ordered Feitan, and Chrollo complied. They even had the grace to slip their fingers into the little pad gloves. "Meow" they said, knowing it was what Feitan expected.

They heard a strange noise. His ears turned on the hood. What was that ? Danger ? <prey ?

But it was just Feitan laughing under his mask. They knew they should feel happy about this, but they were also... disconcerted.

"Mrew ?"

The door suddenly bursted open, and Hisoka rushed into the room.

"Chrollo ! Why are you locked with Feitan ? And half naked ? And all cute ? You're cheating on me ?" he yelled.

Chrollo hissed and ran away on all fours under Hisoka's legs, with a surprising agility, even for them.

"I scared them ?" asked Hisoka with a sudden flash. "Their tail was tousle."

Feitan frowned. He couldn't remember any tail on the cloth when he found it.

Then he pursued Hisoka all around the floor to torture him because he was bored.

**************

He gave up on his race at midday because he was hungry. He came back to the dining room and walked to a table. The dining passengers, seeing him coming, screamed in terror and scattered. Perfect. He grabbed the tablecloth, concentrated, and pulled sharply. The whole tableware broke on the floor in a terrible crash, which was exactly what he wanted to do. He sat and Phinks came over.

'The security is looking for you. They want you dead or something."

Feitan waited to see if Phinks was about to say something that mattered his interest, but he only sat next to him, leaving enough room for the massive shape of Franklin. "Hi Fei. There are posters of your face with "dead or alive" written on."

Feitan frowned. What were the guys doing today about small talks.

"It's your best profile" said Machi stealing a dish to a terrified waiter who ran away as soon as he saw Feitan. "Your scarf looks really good on the pictures."

Feitan mumbled in agreement. At least Machi said something interesting.

"But Shizuku took offense. If you didn't know what to do with the corpses, you should have asked her. She'd get rid of it. Six mutilated bodies piled up in a corridor, it's not very discreet. And right at your cabin door. Just like you didn't care."

This time, Feitan listened carefully. That was concerning. Damn. He didn't like Shizuku to be upset, she's cool.

*************

His meal over, on his way back to his cabin, he came upon ten riot security guys, armed to the teeth, while ten others were coming from behind. "Don't move ! You're accused of six homic...". Eighteen seconds later, he stepped across their dead bodies, and was about to miss the outlines on the floor. He had now six silhouettes in chalk as a doormat. There were a little blood left. He shrugged and stepped on it.

The first thing he saw when he opened the door was the long cat tail poking out of under his bed.

"You're badly hidden, Chrollo."

Two narrows pupils glowed in the dark, and a pair of moustaches quivered. "Mrew ?"

Feitan crouched down slowly : "Kitty kitty... come and see daddy..." Damn, he should have bring some milk.

Chrollo crawled out carefully, and suddenly squatted. A move of an agonising security officer caught their attention. Their pupils widened, they hissed angrily and they ran away in the corridor.

Feitan sighed. Away they're gone again, doing who knew what. He should do something.

A nap looked like a good idea.

**************

 

He woke up to a whine and scratching noises at his cabin door. He opened to the groaning and severely damaged body of Hisoka, and Chrollo squatting next to him, licking their paw and brushing their ears. They glanced at him with disdain and then ostensibly turned their back.

"Ho, what a beautiful gift" said Feitan with a forced cheerful voice. "Even better than the six previous ones."

On the hood, an ear pivoted in his direction.

"I chased down this prey all morning long. It's exactly what I wanted."

Chrollo suspended their wash and turned their muzzle to him : "Mrew ?"

"And a gift is always so much better. I killed myself the twenty people that a potential whiteness under my bed could have seen in the corridor. They weren't gifts. I'd never accept anything but from Chrollo. No need for anyone here to get jealous and run away again.

"Nyyyya !"

Chrollo walked slowly to him, purring softly, rubbing their face to Feitan's thigh. He scratched them under their chin.

"Ho... cute..." moaned Hisoka. Feitan kicked him in the face before letting Chrollo get inside.

With a gracious leap, they jumped on the bed, pawing the curtain, purring excitedly. Feitan kicked again Hisoka who was trying to get in, and walked to Chrollo, who rolled upon their back, their paws against their chest, trilling some delighted "mwrrrew ?"

Feitan pat their head. "First of all, pulling off this hoodie..."

*************

A few hours later, Chrollo woke up naked in Feitan's bed. Feitan was still asleep next to him, smiling in a nightmare. He was so cute. Maybe they could steal him a kiss...

"I know what you're thinking about. Stop that." said Feitan, still asleep.

Chrollo frowned. Feitan is a telepath when he sleeps ? Weird. Then they shrugged and thought about something else. "Why are they chalk draws ?" they said looking by the open door. Chrollo and Feitan thought that "modesty" meant "rash fashion" in french.

"You don't remember ?" said Feitan half-asleep. "You killed six people and mutilated Hisoka to please me."

"Sounds like me. But I can't remember a thing. One second I'm in my room choosing clothes, and the next i'm here with you stripping me."

This time Feitan woke up fully and glanced at them : "You mean you don't question anything when you teleport from a room to another, covered in blood, with me playing with your...

"... tail ? Not like I disagreed. I just kept up with what was going on."

Feitan rolled his eyes. "But why did you need to be so dramatic ? So kind and all ? If you want to spend the night with me, you just ask."

"You were so sullen ! So grumpy ! I just wanted to cheer you up !"

" I wasn't. And how could you tell anyway. Nobody can see my face under my scarf."

Chrollo untangled Feitan's scarf off their dick and looked at it : "Is it a new one ?'"

"Yep. The skull is frowning. So much more badass."

Chrollo thought about a second. "Now that you mention it, you never said or did anything unusual today. I must have been mislead by this scarf expression."

Chrollo huddled against Feitan, reassured, and felt asleep again. Feitan looked at them, then at the hoodie rolled in a ball at the bed foot. He knew they had to get rid of the thing, but on the other hand... Chrollo was so cute with it...

Just to know, he softly rubbed Chrollo chin. Chrollo stretched their neck and purred gently.

Feitan smiled. Ok, he decided, while falling asleep again. They'd get rid of this.

**************

 

_ epilogue _

Because Hisoka wasn't the guy who'd miss anything of what was happening in the room that night, he was still lying on the doorstep in the morning. Too weak to defend, Feitan and Chrollo caught him easily. Feitan's decision hadn't flinched, but first, they had a nice laugh with Hisoka and a laser pointer.

  
  
  
  



End file.
